A Step-by-Step Guide to Grocery Shopping with Twins

1. Hunt down the only shopping cart in the store with two child seats.
2. Realize the aforementioned double-seated shopping cart is currently being used by a person with no children at all.
3. Wrestle your twins into a normal shopping cart, making sure to shoot dirty looks at the person mentioned in step #2.
4. Tell your children to sit down while you look in your purse for your shopping list.
5. Realize you left shopping list at home.
6. Smile and try not to roll your eyes at those six people that just told you that "you've really got your hands full, don't ya?"
7. Head towards the candy aisle because you're going to need a LOT of chocolate before this trip is over.
8. Return the slightly crushed and half-opened groceries your twins have swiped off of the shelves while you were busy looking at the chocolate.
9. Tell fascinated stranger, "Yes, they're twins."
        "Yes, they're identical."
        "Yes, I can tell them apart."
        "I just can."
        "No, I've never mixed them up."
        "Yes, I'm sure."
10. Repeat step # 9 about four seconds later.
11. Tell your children to sit down or they're not getting a treat.
12. Tell your children to sit down or they're going to be punished.
13. Tell your children you really mean it this time, sit down or you're going to regret it big time and stop pulling your brother's hair or we're leaving right this instant, I don't care if we have to leave all of the groceries here, I will do it, don't test me.
14. Ignore the crowd that has gathered to watch.
15. Take twice the recommended dose of Advil Extra Strength.
16. Just say, "No" when a wide-eyed stranger blocks your path and exclaims, "OH my Gaw-ish!!! Are they tuh-wee-unnnnnnnnsssss?!?!"
17. Tell your children to stop fighting NOW or you're going to become very angry and you do NOT want to see ANGRY MOMMY, DO YOU???
19. Grab both screaming children, pop one on each hip, and high-tail it out of there before someone calls DHS.
20. Tell your kids and yourself that we are NEVER doing this EVER. AGAIN.  I SWEAR TO YOU WE WILL NEVER ENTER A PUBLIC PLACE EVER AGAIN IN YOUR LIFE.
21.Toss your screeching kids in your car and realize that you left your purse in the shopping cart.
22. Lay on the street and beg for someone to please just put you out of your misery already.

Post bedtime ramblings and whining.

I've said it a thousand times, and I'll say it again: It's a really good thing I don't drink. Because I would be getting duh-ruh-unk every. single. night.  These boys. I can't even....

OHMNAAGAEWRGAAAAAAafnwoeioinhg0293ht=2q3gt-q12u=`1`~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

They wake up early. They don't take naps anymore. They spend their day running around in circles and jumping from couch to couch to parent to table to couch, only stopping to eat, pee, or fight with each other. When we finally put them to bed, they immediately bolt out of it to run around their room in circles and slam themselves into the walls and/or each other. 

I do not get a break from them unless I turn on the TV.  I let them watch a show before "nap" time, in hopes that it will calm them down (it doesn't).  Sometimes I let them watch a quick show if I need to get dinner ready and they're being particularly clingy or destructive.  Sometimes I let them watch a quick show if I need to take a shower.  Sometimes I let them watch a quick show and tell them that I'm going to take a shower, but really just go and sit in my room. Alone. To breathe and hear nothing and say nothing and do nothing.  And I love that I can get a few minutes of peace, but I also hate it because it's probably rotting their brains.  I try to limit their TV time to a total of an hour a day, but some days I just want to turn on Nick Jr. and let Dora the Explorer take over for a while. She's got way more patience than I do, anyway.

And speaking of the whole patience thing?  Psh. Please. I spend every single second of every single day telling myself to chill out, counting to ten, taking deep breaths, speaking in a calm voice, and trying to set a good example for my children of how to act. But inside, I am completely losing it.  Seriously, cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.  Totes cray.  And occassionally (ok, frequently), I snap.  And then I feel horrible, promise myself that I'll work harder to be patient, and the whole process starts all over again.  And when I finally feel like I can breathe, like I can find a few microseconds of sanity and feel like I'm not completely suffocating and miserably failing hard as a parent, then along comes a full moon and someone feeds the Gremlins after midnight and I'm back to feeling like I have absolutely no control of my life or my children or myself.  This stuff is way hard, yo. 

I have my moments. My "Awww, I so LUV being a mommy soooooooooo much!!" moments. And they truly do make it worth all of the absolute crap I have to put up with. They don't necessarily make it easier... but they do make it worth it.  I think (and hope) that when your kids are grown and gone, those sweet moments are what you remember.  They've GOT to be, or older people in public places wouldn't flock to my toddlers like they were handing out cash and car keys.  No. If those older people could really remember every single thing their children did to them at that horrific age of three, those people would be running for their lives and throwing furniture and banana peels behind them to keep the snot-nosed, sticky-handed monsters far, far away from their clean and child-free lives.  I so look forward to the day when I can walk carefree through Target, browsing at my leisure and feeling practically invisible without my double side-show act keeping me at the very center of attention.  But until then, I may as well sell tickets to my captive audience.  If people are going to stare, I may as well get something out of it (besides a migraine).

Introductions

Here's a mini science lesson for you: sleep deprivation causes memory loss.  Also- stress has been proven to negatively affect spatial memory. So, that explains why I honest to goodness can not tell you what I ate for breakfast this morning (did I even eat breakfast??), and why my car keys are most likely in the freezer. With the constant "You'll miss these days!"s and the "It goes by SO FAST"s, I'm really feeling the pressure to "cherish every moment." 
And to who do I credit the state of my rapidly deteriorating mind? Why, my adorable little stress-inducing sleep stealers themselves:

 Jonah and Noah

My 3 year old identical twin boys. My wrecking crew. My demolition team. The reason I have such a strong desire to remember these days, yet also the reason I probably won't. They leech energy and sanity from me like it is their oxygen. Which is appropriate because I often feel like I am drowning.

 

I have been told on multiple occasions that my boys' "adventures" (isn't that a nice way of putting it?) should be documented in a book or blog. I have also been wanting to record precious (and sometimes not-so-precious) memories with our little family- as well as recipes, projects, parties, and other boring stuff that married people with kids do. And so you have... my blog (ta-da!). Just a quick disclaimer: This is basically my personal journal. It will not be inventive, revolutionary, or hip. You will not look cool reading it at Starbucks. It may involve poop and/or pee. It may not even be interesting at all. However- it WILL be (and this is a money-back guarantee) a very reliable form of birth control.  Just- whatever you do, don't look into their eyes. They're cute, yes (oh they are SO. DANG. CUTE.), but remember that evil comes in many forms. In this case, it has sparkling blue eyes and an identical twin (and he's evil too).

Photo credz to the lovely and talented Kaylee Houser :)